HE MUST BECOME GREATER

In preparation for Lulie's birthday, I have been struggling with a battle of emotions. One part of me wants to throw a big party (just as I did for Ellie Clay) to celebrate a year on Earth. The other part of me wants to just cry at the thought of April 27th coming and going.

A weekish ago, I was talking to Clay about my conflicting spirit and his response was both kind and wise. He said, "Staci, I know that we have to live with what happened on that day for the rest of our lives. We have to mourn the loss of any future biological children, mourn the thought of what could have been, but baby we also have to praise Jesus. Lulie is ALIVE, you are ALIVE and while we do need time to mourn and grieve, we also need to celebrate the sweet, precious gifts he HAS given us."

As I processed through his words, I felt guilty for taking joy away from Lulie. I felt guilty for not wanting to celebrate her with every ounce of my being. She is the sweetest gift (although she is difficult to handle at times) our family has ever received and I don't ever want to take that for granted.

Fast forward to a few days later, Clay called me out into the backyard to come see something. When he led me to a bush, I was hesitant thinking he was going to scare me with something-- totally a Clay move.

But to my surprise he pointed to a nest with two little baby birds in it! I have never seen such little birdie's before. It was amazing and truly something I have never experienced before. They were so sweet and innocent. I found myself staring at them for a long, long time and then later staring at the picture Clay took of them.

I have no doubt in my mind this was Jesus' way of saying, "Irelands, if you just open your eyes my promises surround you. LIFE surrounds you. JOY surrounds you. I just need you to seek ME through it all." I recently heard that often times when we are in a "rut", it's because we are thinking too much about ourselves. I feel like this past year has been a whole lot of me thinking these "woe is me" thoughts. And while I know I have a reason to grieve and be sad, I'm ready to dig myself out of that trench. I want my thinking to be more geared towards serving and loving others well.

"He must become greater; I must become less." - John 3:30

I am taking huge strides in my journey through this process of healing and I've never been more excited to see what else the Lord will reveal to our family in the days, months and years to come.

I feel like my thank yous will never be quite enough, but thank you to everyone who has reached out at some capacity to our family during this past year. Your meals, hugs, love and friendship seriously mean the world to Clay and I. We seriously couldn't ask for a better tribe of people loving us through the trenches.





*Total transparency, we no longer have sweet baby birds. In Clay Ireland's words, "the raccoons got 'em" :(