EVEN THE UGLY PARTS

This post has a been a long time in the making. If I'm being totally honest life has been pretty good on the outside! We have the sweetest two little girls, which I get to be with everyday. Clay has an awesome job and we love our cozy little home. But internally I've been dealing with a lot. Wading through feelings, emotions and thoughts about the past year has really taken its toll. After almost a year since Lulie's birth, I think I'm finally ready to admit that I haven't been ok and that I need help. Clay has had a front row seat to the late night tears and meltdowns, the retail therapy sessions and the constant indecisiveness. He has been so patient with me and so loving over the past year. Even if that has looked like him saying, "Babe, just do you. I'm here." I truly owe him the world. 

All that to say-- I started this blog on the pretense that this would be real and raw life shared. But if we're talking real, when you are operating in a state of "functioning depression", you don't really want to dig in and talk about your feelings. You don't want to share the ins and outs of the dark parts of your heart-- which is why I'm guessing we never see the ugly on social media. When wounds run deep it is most painful when they are exposed. Only when the wounds have healed properly are you able to take the bandages off and let them breathe. If there is going to be true transparency here, I need to say this past year has been HARD. I've cried a lot, I've not wanted to get out of bed and a lot of days I felt like a walking prisoner; bound by the silent depression cloud I was walking under. But here we are, a year later and I'm finally ready to seek the help I need. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be thankful for all the Lord has given our family. But at the end of day-- I was sad. And I just couldn't shake it. 

I write all of this, because now experiencing what I now know is some form of depression. To anyone who has felt these feelings or has gone through this with someone you love. Know that you are not alone. Whether a person handles it internally (like me) or externally, depression is a real thing-- and it is a very difficult thing to walk through. Whatever the circumstances are, you are strong. Give yourself time. Give yourself grace. Give yourself the attention you need to heal those wounds. Give yourself the courage to take the bandages off. And most importantly give yourself to the Lord. 

A year later, my pride would've liked to have written some sort of post thanking God and praising the redemptive story He wrote for me. A post about the healing He had done in me and how much I've grown deeper in my relationship with Him. But instead, I write the opposite. I've only just begun this journey of healing. And as much as I want to hang my head in defeat as I write these sentences, I refuse. I am proud of where I am. I am thankful the Lord has brought me to this place of surrender. And I am so thankful I am ready to take a step forward. 

Thank you for letting me share my heart. Even the ugly parts.